Lydia & Julz Go Large Week 22

Week Update 22

'Planking', the latest craze to sweep the village stroll in Whistler, it has officially gone global. After laughing about a friend of ours that planked our counter in the Hat Gallery wearing a top hat, we too had jumped on the planking bandwagon after a few jugs of beer. What started with laughing at these so called plankers, has progressed into imitating them at our expense and before you know it Lisa is apart of an elite group of total plankers. We've learnt that it is best to practise in the privacy of your bedroom or living room before you’re ready to take your art to the streets, although Lisa missed the beginner guide to planking and showcased her sense of adventure when she went straight for planking on the counter in a bottleshop, face down, pretending she was a piece of wood- that is a perfect technique if there ever was one. She certainly does accrue a certain amount of creativity points for this one. Congrats, Patto! Don't be afraid to think big! This is probably an instance why the youth of today are so screwed.


As serious plankers have a total disregard for personal safety, have you ever woken up from a night of intense partying with bruises, cuts, weird unexplainable marks on your body?  Or how at the time you really couldn't feel anything at all? Have you ever thought that "Frank the tank is dead"? If so, you have officially suffered from a UPI (Unexplainable Party Injury).This term way given to us after a girl we'd met playing pool,when she referred her black eye to a UPI. We've come to follow the motto "Keep fighting the good fight" and don't let one injury deter you from getting back on the drinking stallion, after all we are residing in Canucks territory. We find ourselves contemplating the lore of party injuries from waking up with cuts on our forehead, a black eye and the most recent I've woke up, hungover, to discover a bewilderingly purple patch the size of a baseball on my knee. Best not to think too long on 'em. Then there was the unsuspecting bystander injury that occurred when Julia was on the pole at Tommy Africas, kicking out both legs whilst hanging onto the pole. Julz' inner awesomeness was trumped she gave me a swift kick to the shoulder and the poor guy next to me got his drink kicked out of his hand which saw for the bouncer escorting Julia off the podium. Top tip: if there’s a physical feat you are rather proud of, don’t try to show people when you are drunk. There’s always one of these, some poor person, minding their own business, who gets felled by a wildly gesticulating limb. Although, in the morning Julia persisted to tell us that she had to take herself off the pole because she thought she was going to die swinging from it. Taking her self off, being escorted off- apples and oranges!


We've certainly made the most of our week with Lisa, we've had to rework our shifts to ensure that we get equal one on one time with Lisa. On mine and Lisa's day, we took to the driving range for a little therapy, smacking 100 balls to the wind where our competitive nature's turned into a who could smack the ball the furthest, listing all life's little frustrations for every hit, 100 balls wasn't merely enough, although don't get me wrong, we still regard ourselves as a glass half full type of girl. On Julia's one on one day, the girls went up to Blackcombe mountain for some sightseeing. Upon admiring the majestic mountains, Lisa was awoken to the arrogance of snowboarders, when some douche was following the charge tactic of a bear and flew straight towards the girls, stopping suddenly, just enough to spray snow at them.

Out for local night at Buffalo Bills where some douche trod on my toe and instead of offering a simple apology, he took this as an opportunity to inflict his strong opinions of inappropriate footwear. After insulting my ballet flats, he turned on Julia and lectured her about her shoes with fluffy balls on the toe, which ol' mate claims look like dead bunnies, this won’t exactly lead to a disaster of epic proportions. I think we'll have to go back to wearing gumboots out as  precautionary measure.After singing Oasis' Wonderwall in our corona bottles, we waded through a crowd that found great amusement in showering people in there beer.
 80's Night is back! We've mustered up enough clothes in our wardrobe to pass off as an 80's outfit, this involved pants as high as Erkles and must have red lipstick, morphing into characters from Footloose. We arrived coincidentally at the time that the glow paint booth opened up, where I walked away with a moustache and the glow paint artist outdone herself with Lisa. She painted a master piece, a doodle on the face. We probably shouldn't be alarmed if the object of your affections doesn’t immediately return the gesture. It took sheer optimism and numerous vodka shots to save the friendship after the doody on the face saga. Although I think a thank you is in order, as the doodle on the face was a great conversational ploy to lure in an English guy, that swirled Lisa around to "Because I've had the time of my life." While Lisa was caught up in a moment of lust, Julia and I discovered a new dance sequence on youtube called 'double dream hands', so naturally we hit the podium performing shoulder, chin, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder! As girls do when they've drunk too much, we jumped up and down screaming "OMG! I love this song" to the best of the 80's....

Love


Lydia and Julia x

Lydia & Julz Go Large Week 21

Week 21 Update

In the famous words of Bear Grylls or something to this effect, here are the rules of engagement when it come to bears. Bears can be like the line at Fat Tony's Pizza at 3am, so proceed with great caution. When being charged by a bear (they do this as a scare tactic), I have read in the manual, that you are to spend some time yelling at the bear while waving your hands in the air. Only do this arm waving and yelling if the bear sees you, otherwise you just rung the diner bell! If the bear does not see you, then get out of there without it seeing you, do not see this as a great photo op- Julia! Otherwise, you may want to establish an escape route, as Julia and I have done, we intend to throw ourselves off the hill outside our condo, we figure a broken leg is better than being whipped around like a human helicopter in the jaws of a mammoth of a bear or you could just fight like crazy, which is more than likely your answer. Lisa is that freaked out about bear encounters, that every black tree trump that comes in sight along the valley trail, she near knocks poor Julz flat and is a good 50 metres ahead which is one thing not to do, although if Lisa goes for the sprint, Julia and I might have half a chance.This information is imperative during this season, as 26 bears have already been sighted in Whistler, and one drunk man was pushed to the ground and swatted at by a bear at 2am last week, so I figure we are handy people to know if this were to occur. The above picture is of Samson the bear, the largest recorded bear in Whistler, just imagine that bad boy sneaking up on you when you're stumbling home in the early hours of the morning. Oh feck!

After preaching the rules of engagement according to Bear Grylls, it was all thrown out the window when I actually saw a bear on the side of the road while I was on the bus. I near gave the stranger next to me a heart attack when I'd squealed at the sight. As soon as I walked in the door, I told the girls to get their runners as we're going on a bear hunt. We ran down to Nordic which is about a kilometre away, not exactly the walk around the corner that I lured the girls in with, we were sprinting so fast, I choked on mosquito. The bear was still there when we got there. It's moments like this that you would hope to draw on knowledge that you've acquired to be able to deal with certain types of situations, well, that's all good and well in theory but truth be told we were way too psyched about getting a photo near a bear that all that wasted bear reading was hours I'll never get back. As we were walking back, lo and behold, there is another bear on the side of the road, what are the chances?! After other spectators casually walked past the bear as if they hadn't even noticed this mammoth of a creature beside the road, we were still squealing about how to get around the bear, then moments later our friend Lexi comes out of nowhere in a car- what a savior!

Our week has consisted of beers, pool and ice-hockey, all things that are bound to stir up some passion and provide a great ice-breaker with our new roommate. On that note we are moving into a hotel with 2 x hot tubs, pool & tennis court in a couple of weeks although we'll still be sharing a room and bed. These outing are perhaps more interesting than the game itself observing the Canadian culture surrounding the game, this is when you see how Canadians really live (ice-hockey+beer+pool+ no mercy). I now understand the phrase "he/she went all Canadian." What started at Cinnamon Bear playing pool, a deadly compliment to beer ended with another set back on the humiliation spectrum. Somewhere in the middle Julia had an intense dance off whipping out her newly established move of the grapevine in high tempo, I don't know where she'd been hiding this move (I've mentioned it before, you'd be surprised with how often someone challenges us to a dance off), I accidentally flung the pool cue into the back of a girl's head (potential drama- thank God she wasn't Canadian) and Lisa found herself on a bear hunt, luckily she was well educated, your welcome Patto! We should have signed the actual lease before we all got blind together, we're hoping we still have a place to move into after our performance. Oh cider, we can't even pin this one on you! Testimony to Julia's fortune cookie of acquiring  higher intelligence, we woke up to the nice surprise of no glow paint after the glow party, this is certainly a rarity on a Monday morning although I did let the team down with waking up to a glow stick around my head, and to think we'd come so far- yep still a hazard!

The decision to host a house party so close to the end of a lease, against all rationale must have been made after a seasonal bender, you may as well throw your damage deposit to the wind. We went to a house party in Creekside, and by the time we got there the house was packed, people were flooding out the windows, they even had a proper DJ which apparently under no circumstances are you allowed to touch the 'wiki wiki disc.' And with the stereotypical American Pie party comes the hazardous crowd surfing. Be aware of people's limbs flailing above you with no signs of remorse. Also, don’t expect any sympathy when the heel of their gumboot flies into your bloody skull, or in my case I had a girl who may have been in denial about her size after the crowd were quick to surf her through with immense effort, just to keep her in the air, only to come down on me like a tone of bricks. You would think she’d be easy to spot, giving fair amount of time to ready your arms for unstoppable agony but no, I had a full figured torso slam me down at full force within a matter of seconds- something like this could only happen to one of us. It is times like this that you will be severely reminded of just how fragile your wrists are. A lesson learnt here, next time a body glides towards you, prepare yourself to punch and jab their rib cages without mercy, it's every man for himself out there. This douche act cut the night short as I had suffered a minor head injury, and the police had made an appearance shortly after the body slamming, shooing out the lost generation.

I'm sure we've missed many others things that have happened but since Lisa's arrival, it's been the blur that was!

Love 

Lydia and Julia x  

                                                          Our new home



http://www.hark.com/clips/bsnyxzcxqp-hangover-3-best-friends-song?sms_ss=blogger&at_xt=4dc863133ba98e8b%2C0

Lydia & Julz Go Large Week 20

Week Update 20

It's here, the moment we've been waiting for, the arrival of Lisa. Within the space of a week we've introduced Lisa to the array of landscapes that Canada has to offer, from a picturesque road trip through to Furry Creek (where Happy Gilmore was filmed) through to the breath taking waterfalls of Shannon's Falls, the neighbouring lakes in Whistler in which we felt compelled to buy a blow up boat from Wall Mart (an obvious sound investment that was worth the sacrifice of our weekly groceries), surrounded by the most unbelievable mountains- Canada is kind of a somebody on the scenery scale.

Lisa's arrival has provided a near perfect illustration of the old saying about troubles coming in threes. As our first night out in Whistler ended with us being kicked out of Buffalo Bills over a toilet paper misunderstanding, only after we sneaked in a game of pool with the Russian mafia which I will take this moment to mention that Julia and I won, mind you, this may be credited to Lisa and Emilie distracting our opponents by can canning around the pool table in a fashionably drunk style. Then waking up to the kick in the guts that our ol' mate cider never fails to pull through with, as well as a random blood cut on my forehead which we account to the vague memory of Lisa slamming the door into my head. Oh how we've become entangled in an ever growing web of vagueness- oh cider you do get the better of us!

The next of our nightlife antics started with the drinking game of 'Captain Dickhead', a promising start if there ever was one, followed by a dance affair at Moe Joe's for the glow party. I've said it a thousand times before note to self in order to avoid both looking like a tool and compromising our lives, steer clear of glow sticks, this also extends to glow paint but without fail, we wake up to glow paint smeared all over the pillow cases and the hazard of glow sticks in the most unlikely of places, we have quite the souvenir collection. After a childish dare that we had going on which earned me a few free drinks, we left Moe Joe's where we naturally gravitate towards Fat Tony's Pizza, it's one of those things that go without saying. Genius is a supreme capacity for getting its possessors into trouble, something as genius as pizza in the early hours of the morning, isn't always as simple a task as anticipated. I'm still baffled how complete strangers think it's perfectly acceptable to grab your pizza and throw it to the wind, you wouldn't believe how often this situation has happened to us. Sometimes you need powerful arsenal to deal with certain types of people in your life.

This was another night which proved that the klutz in Julia is alive and well, providing entertainment for the mob outside Fat Tony's when a fight broke out between two guys, I can't imagine how often this happens over a some douche throwing someone else's pizza, I know for one that I was on the brink of going all Jerry Springer when my piece was stolen. In the midst of the fight, Julia was knocked at full force to the pavement by the two pizza fighters when she was innocently standing there, enjoying the last prized ham and cheese pizza when she was pushed to the ground. Julz came up with grazed feet and hands, partly due to the reluctance to let go of her pizza. Most people instinctively put there hands out to break their fall but not our Julz, even in the fastest of movements, as a mother would throw herself in front of a bus to protect her child, Julia threw out both hands to protect her beloved pizza, that is an unselfish love if there ever was one.  

After the glow party, we soldiered on to our friend's house for a bbq /party the following night. It was the perfect setting with a cabin style house and a table long enough to host beer pong. Let me tell you, for someone who has been playing basketball for years, Lisa's skills don't exactly extend to throwing a ping pong ball, I was a one man team out there, although her methods of distraction ranked us as one of the most sort after competitors. Beer pong's principal weapon is the psyche-out, a diversionary tactic to break the shooter's concentration and make them miss, these loose guidelines allowed for some creative thinking.

Forget every definition of fear and sheer terror you've ever understood. Forget all the laws of common sense, that tell you not to stand in front of a car going 100km per hour, touch a hot burner, or jump off a 160-foot bridge. Oh how naive we'd been, when we'd stumbled across signs that pointed towards the Whistler Bungee where our innocent thoughts didn't extend past a good photo op of complete strangers jumping off a bridge, ah each to their own. I'm still not sure how we got from there to the next point but before we could truly process the gravity of the situation, Julia and I found ourselves standing on a 160 ft high bridge platform, the last link to the real world, spanning 300ft over the glacial-fed Cheakamus River. We had no intention of actually going through with it, the extent of our thrill seeking had only consisted of petty theft of a Christmas tree and trespassing in a hotel hot tub, to name a few. I made the impulsive decision to jump which can only be credited to the stolen brain cells from our 5 month cider bender, followed by Julia's strong willed declaration of "Well, if you do it, I feel like I have to do it." The thing about impulsive decisions is that it doesn't allow you to dress for the occasion- let's just say that between the camera angle combined with my tights doesn't exactly catch me in the best light.

I went first for the ultimate "trust fall," where it took quite a bit of force from the instructor to release my grip from the bars as he shoved himself right up nice and close behind me, yeah apparently that's normal protocol, if only we had a penny for every time a girl has heard that. Next thing, my legs made the leap without my permission. I was out and away from the platform, where I suddenly realised that jumping off a bridge is probably not the most intelligent decision I've ever made, once again continuing with our trend of poor decision making. I waved my arms around in a grabbing motion to try and miraculously fly my way back up to the platform, like the delicate swan I am. I was forced to allow myself to fall at an ever increasing rate, completely powerless to stop the fall, I did the only rational thing a girl could do in this situation aside from throwing up, although that wasn't too far from the likely of outcomes, I screamed the entire time- to quote the instructor "Wow, we haven't heard a scream like that in a while."

Then it was the second of the delicate swans to jump. It took a couple of count downs for Julz to take Whistler's ultimate adrenaline rush, I thought it was our words of wisdom that helped Julz find the proper mental state to jump, it later turns out that she was drawing her courage from the wise words of a complete stranger telling her that she would regret it if she didn't do it and her friend does, and how dare we not share an experience together at this point. Julz jumped screaming"F%#* YOU ALL" which echoed while she hung like a yo-yo and reiterated when she was pulled back up, ah once again hindsight is a wonderful thing.

And the third of the delicate swans resembled Casper with a hang-over. Lisa's thrill seeking extended to being able to actually stand on the bridge, as this was an accomplishment within itself. She made sure that she allowed herself a good distance between her and the edge, a few missed photo ops of us actually bungee jumping but a few goodies with us standing on the platform. We'll wait until the end of her trip for her to jump, when the introduction of cider has robbed her of a few brain cells.

There was life before the jump, and now there is only life after the jump.

I think it's safe to assume that we've given Lisa an all Julz & Lydia welcoming to Whistler. We've introduced her to the Whistler's hub of scenery, array of nightclubs and all the mischief that comes with it, the infamous cider, even exposed her to some rare sightings including a coyote and Helen Mirren which brings our celebrity sighting total to 4.

 

Life is pretty freakin A-mazing here!

Love

Lydia and Julia x

Lydia & Julz Go Large Week 19

                                     

Week Update 19

The blonde called 911, screaming "Help me, Help me my house is on fire".

The dispatch said "Mam, please calm down. I need to get some information from you".

Again the blonde yelled "Help me, Help me my house is on fire".

The dispatch said "Mam calm down, How do we get to your house?".

She replied "Duh... In the big red truck".

I'm not sure as to whether I could sum up the situation better than the above blonde joke, as Julia and Emilie were at home attempting to light a fire and unaware of the logistics of this difficult operation and perhaps a little misunderstanding of the ventilation system, they were thrown back by a bomb of smoke that blew up in their faces. They'd very well smoked out the whole house. In a state of vague panic, the damsels in distress, called 911 as debatably a ploy to be in the company of the buffed firemen. Whoever said two heads are better than one was a complete idiot. In fact, it substantially lowers our already non-existent reasoning skills.The girls escaped with only a minor case of the black lung and a little disappointed with not being able to use the stop, drop and roll method. Once the unsuspecting firemen arrived to their fan club, there was no longer any need for their conventional firefighting equipment, well not at that point anyway as it’s still within question as to whether the girls exchanged numbers with them! They’re now apart of a minority group who’ve escaped a near death experience and lived to tell the tale, alongside those who have been attacked by a shark or struck by lightning….Ah, never a dull moment!

• Assuming you have batteries in the alarm, as these costs eat into your cider fund. Alarm others by hysterically screaming "FIRE!
• Don't call 000, as even though this may be your instinct in the event of a fire situation, this is also charged at an international rate, also eating into the cider fund- rookie mistake.
• Establish the appropriate appliance, as this is a vague term and it's important to note that hair straighteners are not going to be of any use. Although, regarded as a priority item when evacuating.
• No one became a hero knocking someone else down in a desperate attempt to get out the door.
• This also applies to Facebook, remember there is no need to update your status during this time.
• Let's keep in mind that the meeting place needs to be outside the direct fire area.

This experience has been a wake-up call to invest in some batteries and to also formulate an evacuation plan, as more time has been spent on how to protect our chocolate stash, as stated below. Our friend Emilie has moved into our house for a week or so,  therefore it has become necessary to lay out the rules for sharing chocolate with the scarcity of Australian chocolate, as sent from home for Easter. There are a strict set of rules to be adhered to at least for the life of the chocolate. Failure to follow said rules will result in being called a "freakin douch bag."

Official Rules of Chocolate Sharing
1. The last piece of chocolate is off limits. The owners aka Julz and Lydia have the right to reserve up to three chocolates each, but must state a damn good reason for doing so, "coz they're mine" will simply not suffice.

2. Any chocolate borrowed must be eventually paid back in the form of Australian chocolate (Canadian chocolate won't do for a confectionery debt). Only when someone has been noted for borrowing chocolate excessively does a lender have the right to ask for repayment at any time- log books will be kept to track frequent borrowers. Anyone that strictly requires repayment should be dubbed a tight ass. 

3. The right to chocolate can be suspended if the borrower has been noted for being a dick. This can be extended for bitching about the Cadbury flavor, to quote "I don't know what's so good about Australian chocolate" because if you don't like the flavor, then you are clearly lying thus this issue will be addressed separately. Failure to do so will result in harassment. This is only for extreme cases of freeloading, where the freeloader is an incontestable chronic borrower.

4. The chocolate owners have the right to limit chocolate sharing in the event of a catastrophe. Such examples include a large number of people craving chocolate however please note that females can not claim Rule 4 every month, this particular cycle will also be tracked in log books in conjunction with borrowing frequencies. Other examples include but are not limited to inebriation, bad breath, loss of income, suffering a break-up, this may also be extended to not receiving a call back although this will be assessed on a case by case basis etc.

5. Splitting chocolate is acceptable in the event of a shortage or a large borrowing crowd however this excludes Humpty Dumpty's as such commodities are reserved strictly for the owners (please keep in mind that this is not unreasonable considering this product is only available once a year). The owners still hold dibs to a whole piece if desired. The owners can probably get away with splitting in normal scenarios, since it is their chocolate anyway, but this is not the best conduct and should be avoided.

Please note that these rules may be applied in the event of a vegemite shortage, although as a new tub of Vegemite is scheduled to arrive later this week, thus meeting the owners immediate need, such rules will be adjourned until such disaster arises.

WARNING: OFF LIMITS

Now that it's evident that we have way too much time on our hands, we'll have much more to report next week as Lisa arrives this week.

Love

Lydia and Julia x